The sadness of reality and plans for the future

I have always shied away from writing detailed encounters of a the negative variety.  That is until now.

Unfortunately I have reached a crossroads in my life.  It’s now getting to a point where I feel like speaking out is the only way I get to stand up for myself and the things that I have worked my guts out for.  It means I get to defend my reputation – of which I have worked very hard over the years to maintain.

So here it is.  The ugly truth.

On May 27, 2017. I was supposed to face off against the German number 1 for the AFSO German title.  It was an incredible opportunity and one we had been waiting – or rather, I had been waiting for.

The last time I was supposed to fight for a title was back in 2014 for a WPMF World Title.  The fight was set but my manager dropped the ball and I was pulled from the event.  Naturally I was devastated, but the worst part was that I was told – no matter how hard I worked or tried, I may never get that title shot ever again.  The Thai’s are notorious for their ability to hold grudges and for being incredibly rigid in their process.

After making my way over to the MMA world, I began the grind and even went to work with the famous James McSweeney, who eventually ghosted our whole team and left the country and us without saying a word.

Suffice to say my MMA career was going nowhere fast.

Fast forward to now, the happiest I had been in my professional career, and looking to rock the European WMMA scene with the fight of a lifetime.  I had been working to the best of my ability with an understaffed and busy team and continued my prep until the Monday before the fight when my whole world was tipped on it’s head.

I went to training – like every other Monday.  I caught up with my friend and training partner as we wrapped our hands and started to get the blood flowing.  Next thing I know I am being called into a meeting.

I had no idea what was about to happen.  I thought maybe we would discuss how my weight cut was going and make a plan for the final week and transport to the event.  Before I knew it my head coach was telling me that he had cancelled my fight.

I was so blindsided by this.  By the fact that no one had discussed this with me.  I burst into tears and sat there on the verge of a panic attack.  The room shrunk with me inside it and all I could think was, “how could this be happening AGAIN???”

The team gave me their reasons but I kept asking.  How could you do this without talking to me first.  Their initial response was that they simply know better.  Then I am informed that the whole team felt this way.

THE WHOLE TEAM.

Apparently my training partners had been discussing this for weeks.  “Everyone” was talking about my mental state, about my previous injury, about my readiness.  “Everyone” but me.  “Everyone” in the gym were talking about a huge decision in my career and I didn’t get an invite to the conversation.  I was floored.

The conversation went in circles, but the general consensus was that they didn’t need to discuss this with me because they watch me and they know better.  They are more experienced and they don’t need to talk to me about these things.

Once the room stopped shrinking and spinning I was filled with anger.  The lack of respect.  The lack of consideration.  The feeling of absolute betrayal.

I told them how I felt, and I was met with a strong defensive line and that they hadn’t betrayed me.  They couldn’t seem to understand the impact of this decision.  Emotionally, mentally and financially.  They pulled the rug out from where I was standing and no one was even sorry.

They were seemingly unable to put themselves in my shoes because they simply did not understand.

I have been betrayed a lot.  More than what seems normal for a lifetime.  I have lost all the good opportunities that have come my way and I am emotionally ruined from it all.

To be fair, it’s not their fault.  It’s mine.  I’ve done my best to not advertise things like this when they happen so they don’t understand how difficult most of my career had been.  They don’t understand that I’ve tried to forgive and forget in the past and they certainly don’t understand the amount of times I’ve been passed over or let down.

I have had to make the horribly difficult decision to leave Spitfire after this incident.  Even though I believe they had the best intentions in mind.  Even though I believe they thought they were doing the right thing.  Unfortunately for me, I can’t move forward with a team that has handled things in such a way.  I can’t put my trust and safety into the hands of a team that is willing and able to make such huge decisions about my career without discussing it with me.

Despite all of this, we have parted ways amicably.  I hold no resentment and no anger towards anyone.  Only sadness that is has come to an abrupt halt.  The gym agrees that we are not on the same page and we all wish each other well.

I haven’t decided what to do yet.  I can imagine it’s going to take some time and a lot of consideration before I officially decide on “what’s next”.

For now.  CrossFit.  European Summer.  Food.  Spending time with friends.  Enjoying my life.

Stay tuned.

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